Today is my parents 33rd wedding anniversary. I haven't seen them for almost a year and 4 months. I haven't talked to them on the phone for almost a year. I miss them. I wonder if they wonder about that; I really do miss them. I wish there was a way to fix our relationship, but I really don't see how we could do that. I've made a decision that I KNOW is best for me and my kids, and I feel like my parents have shown complete disregard for that decision. I WILL NOT have anything to do with the guy who hurt me for so many years; my requests to not hear anything about him and not see him were not respected over and over and over again until, finally, it was too much, too hurtful. So I stopped answering calls, responding to texts, answering emails.
But I still miss them. And it's sad that they don't know their grandchildren. They've never seen Hope. Mom& Dad's loss. But it still hurts when I think about it, so I try not to think about it for a while, but then I get nervous that I'm just burying the pain again and setting myself up for another emotional blow-up a year down the road. So then I MAKE myself think about it and life's tough for a few days, and then I make peace with the situation all over again. I am reminded that everything works out in God's timing, not mine. "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord." "Blessed be your name when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness... on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering." I sing worship songs more often now than I think I ever have before. While I'm doing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen, folding laundry, changing diapers. Christina sings along and I LOVE it. Sometimes she even has special requests. :)
Someone asked me once what I would do if my parents tried to make contact again; asked if they could come over or if we could meet at a park or something. Honestly, I'm not really sure. I'm so hurt that part of me just doesn't want to risk being vulnerable; I don't want to get my hopes up that maybe we could establish a healthy relationship, just to have those hopes dashed all over again. But then there's another part of me that says the relationship will never heal unless I take a chance. Then the "Mama Bear" inside me rears up on her hind legs and makes me feel wary of letting someone into Christina's & Hope's lives when I'm not really certain that those people are going to be positive, consistent influences. I've seen a child make strong connections with people only to have those people leave; I do not want to see one of my children go through that.
So I'll stick with my current plan, I guess. Continue to pray for guidance, direction, and understanding. Continue to wait upon the Lord and turn ever blessing back to praise. My sweet Aunt Cammie reminded me earlier this week (after lamenting potential changes due to increase rheumatoid arthritis pain) to focus on positive things. I have a Savior who loves me in spite of my flaws. I have an AMAZING husband who continuously supports me and sacrifices for me. I have two of the most beautiful children a mommy could ever ask for. I have a wonderful support network of family and friends. That's more than enough to help me get through my days.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Old Writings
The other day I opened a journal I had begun about a year, year and a half ago. It's kinda fun to read things I've written and forgot about. It's interesting to see how I've progressed in my healing, where I've backslid. And it's fun to have a fresh look at an old piece of writing and think, "Oh, I'd change this sentence. This paragraph would be better placed here." Kinda made me feel like I was back in college.
I've thought about maybe posting some of those writings. Mostly they are about my experiences sharing my story with different people in my life. Maybe if I do post any of them, I'll change some names for privacy's sake. It might just make things a little smoother.
Anyway, reading those old journal entries got me to thinking about forgiveness and letting go of hatred and all of that. I come back to these topics CONSTANTLY, so I suppose it's something I need to tackle more diligently. A friend of a friend - let's call this friend Chuck - shared his experience being sexually abused. I am amazed at his attitude toward his abuser. He's forgiven the offender and says he bears no ill-will to this person; he carries no malice in his heart. OH! I am having a hard time reaching this point. No, I don't wish that my abuser would get hit by a semi-truck or anything crazy like that, but part of me really wants him to not be happy. Part of me really wants him to not know the love of a child, the love of a spouse, the feelings of success. And another part of me says I should let these feelings go because they are wasted energy. Part of me thinks that I should just forget that this person even exists, which, if you know my whole story, is pretty impossible.
I talk to Paul about this every once in a while, but it doesn't really help. Paul has harsher feelings toward this individual than I do, sometimes. When I bring up this topic, Paul reminds me that in some cultures this individual would be stoned to death, or physically punished in some other undesirable way. He reminds me of the passages in the Gospels: it is better to have a millstone tied around his neck and be thrown into the sea, than to cause one of these little ones to sin (paraphrase). Paul seems to bring up the vengeful God, and I tend to remember the merciful, gracious God who is faithful and just and forgives us our sins and cleanses us from all unrighteousness. And last I spoke to my offender, he felt like he had found this forgiveness in God.
I feel like I have forgiven this guy... and then sometimes I feel like I haven't. I'm not depressed like I used to be. I don't feel like this whole crappy situation is my fault. I'm not angry at God for allowing me to be hurt so deeply. But I think I'm still angry at the guy who hurt me. And if I truly had forgiven him, then would I still be this angry??? And I KNOW I'm still angry at my parents (And I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW that this is misplaced, but I still feel so betrayed and tossed aside - not because I was abused, but because of the way they reacted and the way I've been treated since standing up for myself and not being around my abuser... if that makes any sense). I feel like I still need to work on forgiving my parents - forgiving them for not taking action when I first told them about the abuse, and forgive them for the action they took when the family blew up over this last year or two.
I welcome thoughts about letting go of anger, moving on. Thoughts about how do you know if you've really forgiven someone. Can we forgive people and still wish that they don't know the love of a child, the joy of a happy family, etc. Thanks. :)
I've thought about maybe posting some of those writings. Mostly they are about my experiences sharing my story with different people in my life. Maybe if I do post any of them, I'll change some names for privacy's sake. It might just make things a little smoother.
Anyway, reading those old journal entries got me to thinking about forgiveness and letting go of hatred and all of that. I come back to these topics CONSTANTLY, so I suppose it's something I need to tackle more diligently. A friend of a friend - let's call this friend Chuck - shared his experience being sexually abused. I am amazed at his attitude toward his abuser. He's forgiven the offender and says he bears no ill-will to this person; he carries no malice in his heart. OH! I am having a hard time reaching this point. No, I don't wish that my abuser would get hit by a semi-truck or anything crazy like that, but part of me really wants him to not be happy. Part of me really wants him to not know the love of a child, the love of a spouse, the feelings of success. And another part of me says I should let these feelings go because they are wasted energy. Part of me thinks that I should just forget that this person even exists, which, if you know my whole story, is pretty impossible.
I talk to Paul about this every once in a while, but it doesn't really help. Paul has harsher feelings toward this individual than I do, sometimes. When I bring up this topic, Paul reminds me that in some cultures this individual would be stoned to death, or physically punished in some other undesirable way. He reminds me of the passages in the Gospels: it is better to have a millstone tied around his neck and be thrown into the sea, than to cause one of these little ones to sin (paraphrase). Paul seems to bring up the vengeful God, and I tend to remember the merciful, gracious God who is faithful and just and forgives us our sins and cleanses us from all unrighteousness. And last I spoke to my offender, he felt like he had found this forgiveness in God.
I feel like I have forgiven this guy... and then sometimes I feel like I haven't. I'm not depressed like I used to be. I don't feel like this whole crappy situation is my fault. I'm not angry at God for allowing me to be hurt so deeply. But I think I'm still angry at the guy who hurt me. And if I truly had forgiven him, then would I still be this angry??? And I KNOW I'm still angry at my parents (And I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW that this is misplaced, but I still feel so betrayed and tossed aside - not because I was abused, but because of the way they reacted and the way I've been treated since standing up for myself and not being around my abuser... if that makes any sense). I feel like I still need to work on forgiving my parents - forgiving them for not taking action when I first told them about the abuse, and forgive them for the action they took when the family blew up over this last year or two.
I welcome thoughts about letting go of anger, moving on. Thoughts about how do you know if you've really forgiven someone. Can we forgive people and still wish that they don't know the love of a child, the joy of a happy family, etc. Thanks. :)
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