Am I the only woman who remembers playing dress-up? Christina loves to play dress-up; she'll sneak into the clean laundry and put on one of Paul's or my shirts and prance around in her "gown" (she thinks she's one of the Disney princesses). She's been obsessed with shoes - particularly mine - since she figured out how to walk, and loves clopping around the house in my abandoned heels. As she struts around she beams at me, "Mommy, I'm a PRINcess!" It's delightful. I love the sparkle in her eye; I love that she feels beautiful and knows Mommy agrees she's beautiful.
A couple days ago I celebrated, if you can really call it that, the second anniversary of my 25th birthday. This summer will be 10 years since my relationship with Paul began. I have two beautiful daughters. And I feel like I'm still playing dress-up
Twenty-seven *shudder* just sounds so old. Life certainly isn't what I thought it would be by the time I was in my late 20's. For one thing, I figured I'd have another child or two by now. I thought I'd have my college loans all paid back (keep in mind, a lot of these "thought I'd have"s are from my blissfully idealogical teenage years). I just assumed I'd own my own home by the time my 30s were approaching. I guess I just thought I'd be more "put together" than I currently feel.
I look in the mirror and notice a few wrinkles around my eyes. I haven't found any gray hairs yet, but that could be due to the wonderful job my hairstylist does with highlights. I see the ever-present dark circles cradling my eyes. But as I look at this tired reflection, I feel like if I passed myself in the grocery store, I'd never guess I had two kids. Or that I'd been married almost 7 years. In some ways, I suppose, I still see myself as an care-free teenager. I remember when I was almost finished with college and bought a couple nice business suits for the interviews that were sure to follow. I felt like I was playing dress-up. Like I was some little girl posing as a powerful businesswoman. Today I feel like a little girl pretending she's a good mommy.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Calloused, or Steadfast?
Oh, it's been a while since I've posted here. Besides the busy-ness of family life, we've had a death, a graduation, a birthday celebration, and a Mother's day celebration. These are not much of an excuse, though, since they actually all happened within about 2 weeks of each other. Oh, my. By the time life seems to settle down, I think I'll be well into my 70s or so.
I've been thinking lately about my decisions regarding my family - not having contact with them. To me, I feel like I am being steadfast in doing what I believe is best for me, my children, and my husband. But to the outsider looking in, I wonder if I appear cold and calloused. We do not invite my parents or siblings to our family get-togethers. I'd really prefer that they actually don't know where I live right now. I trusted my mom to not give my mailing address to the guy who molested me, and within a couple weeks of her promising she had not given it to him, I received mail from him. I cannot trust her to keep her promises (this is not the only time she has defaulted on her word to me) so I feel it's saner for me to just not tell her where I am living.
I get sick of people preaching tolerance for immorality. I've heard time and time again that I ought to forgive my offender because Jesus loves him and Jesus will forgive him if only he asks and repents. This is true. I believe that God has the power to forgive anyone of any sin if that person is truly repentant. I also believe, however, that there are still consequences of our sin. I don't believe that God just hands us cherry-flavored lollipops all day long, no matter what we do or don't do. I think we screw up and we have to deal with the outcomes.
Paul & I were discussing something along these lines over brunch yesterday. Specifically, that Jesus did preach to adulterers, tax collectors, Samaritans, those people that were not fit for the leaders of the synagogue, and whoever all else, to talk to. But he called them to change, to cast down their nets and follow him. He didn't tarry in the bad parts of town. He might stop and preach a bit, maybe heal a person or two, but he kept on the move. He was very nomadic.
It's a complicated idea, I guess; how God loves us just as we are, but at the same time calls us to change our ways and turn away from our sinful nature. I don't believe that we should surround ourselves with immoral people, or people who surround themselves with immoral people. Iron sharpens iron; like dissolves like. I still feel like I am doing right for my family - my kids and my husband - I just wonder how it appears to the outsider looking in on my life, who maybe doesn't have all the facts. It doesn't really matter, I guess, since if I KNOW I am doing what God has lead me to, all other opinions fall to the wayside. But still, I'm curious. Like a cat. It's why my friends call me whiskers. ;)
I've been thinking lately about my decisions regarding my family - not having contact with them. To me, I feel like I am being steadfast in doing what I believe is best for me, my children, and my husband. But to the outsider looking in, I wonder if I appear cold and calloused. We do not invite my parents or siblings to our family get-togethers. I'd really prefer that they actually don't know where I live right now. I trusted my mom to not give my mailing address to the guy who molested me, and within a couple weeks of her promising she had not given it to him, I received mail from him. I cannot trust her to keep her promises (this is not the only time she has defaulted on her word to me) so I feel it's saner for me to just not tell her where I am living.
I get sick of people preaching tolerance for immorality. I've heard time and time again that I ought to forgive my offender because Jesus loves him and Jesus will forgive him if only he asks and repents. This is true. I believe that God has the power to forgive anyone of any sin if that person is truly repentant. I also believe, however, that there are still consequences of our sin. I don't believe that God just hands us cherry-flavored lollipops all day long, no matter what we do or don't do. I think we screw up and we have to deal with the outcomes.
Paul & I were discussing something along these lines over brunch yesterday. Specifically, that Jesus did preach to adulterers, tax collectors, Samaritans, those people that were not fit for the leaders of the synagogue, and whoever all else, to talk to. But he called them to change, to cast down their nets and follow him. He didn't tarry in the bad parts of town. He might stop and preach a bit, maybe heal a person or two, but he kept on the move. He was very nomadic.
It's a complicated idea, I guess; how God loves us just as we are, but at the same time calls us to change our ways and turn away from our sinful nature. I don't believe that we should surround ourselves with immoral people, or people who surround themselves with immoral people. Iron sharpens iron; like dissolves like. I still feel like I am doing right for my family - my kids and my husband - I just wonder how it appears to the outsider looking in on my life, who maybe doesn't have all the facts. It doesn't really matter, I guess, since if I KNOW I am doing what God has lead me to, all other opinions fall to the wayside. But still, I'm curious. Like a cat. It's why my friends call me whiskers. ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)