Am I the only woman who remembers playing dress-up? Christina loves to play dress-up; she'll sneak into the clean laundry and put on one of Paul's or my shirts and prance around in her "gown" (she thinks she's one of the Disney princesses). She's been obsessed with shoes - particularly mine - since she figured out how to walk, and loves clopping around the house in my abandoned heels. As she struts around she beams at me, "Mommy, I'm a PRINcess!" It's delightful. I love the sparkle in her eye; I love that she feels beautiful and knows Mommy agrees she's beautiful.
A couple days ago I celebrated, if you can really call it that, the second anniversary of my 25th birthday. This summer will be 10 years since my relationship with Paul began. I have two beautiful daughters. And I feel like I'm still playing dress-up
Twenty-seven *shudder* just sounds so old. Life certainly isn't what I thought it would be by the time I was in my late 20's. For one thing, I figured I'd have another child or two by now. I thought I'd have my college loans all paid back (keep in mind, a lot of these "thought I'd have"s are from my blissfully idealogical teenage years). I just assumed I'd own my own home by the time my 30s were approaching. I guess I just thought I'd be more "put together" than I currently feel.
I look in the mirror and notice a few wrinkles around my eyes. I haven't found any gray hairs yet, but that could be due to the wonderful job my hairstylist does with highlights. I see the ever-present dark circles cradling my eyes. But as I look at this tired reflection, I feel like if I passed myself in the grocery store, I'd never guess I had two kids. Or that I'd been married almost 7 years. In some ways, I suppose, I still see myself as an care-free teenager. I remember when I was almost finished with college and bought a couple nice business suits for the interviews that were sure to follow. I felt like I was playing dress-up. Like I was some little girl posing as a powerful businesswoman. Today I feel like a little girl pretending she's a good mommy.
You aren't pretending that you are a good mommy, you are one. I have had thoughts such as these too. While driving down the road one day I was thinking how did this happen? I am the mommy to 3 little girls and I drive a minivan, and I have been married for almost 8 years??? Time sure does fly by! You are doing a great job!
ReplyDeleteI know this wasn't the point of the post, but it made me teary-eyed. I'm having a rough day today, and I guess this hit a little close to home. It's not that I am disappointed with my life, in general, or that I hate it all, but I expected so much...more? different? It's not that I feel like I'm playing dress up, though, or even that I'm pretending (though, I do admit to pretending that I feel happier than I actually am sometimes) -- instead, for me, at least, it's that this is not where I wanted to be and I'm not sure how to really go about changing it at this point. Every step forward feels like it results in two steps back... I'm sure it will get better and I'll have better perspective tomorrow, but I thought I'd respond to your post regardless. Thanks for posting, Chrystal. Take care.
ReplyDelete