I freely admit I have trust issues. I have for a really long time; pretty much as far back as I remember. Anytime someone would show me any form of kindness, I would wonder what their motive was. I think it's really held me back from making a lot of close friends in high school/college, but it has also strengthened the few friendships I did pursue. Quality vs. quantity, I guess. I find that I have a difficult time opening up to new people, sharing my ideas about life, religion, family, etc., but I'm getting a little bit better at it, year by year.
Lately I've been pondering the issue of gaining/losing/regaining trust. At what point is it worthwhile to try allowing someone who has hurt you back into your life? How do you judge whether or not the risk of being hurt/betrayed again is worth the possible benefit of being close to that person again? I have an especially difficult time with this since I am very aware that whoever is in MY life is also in my KIDS' lives. As a mama, I think it's my responsibility to protect my kids as much as I can. I know they'll get boo-boos and one of these days, I swear, fearless Christina will break a bone or knock out a tooth or something, and eventually, some bratty boy will break my girls' hearts - but they're quite the lookers, so I'm sure they'll break a few hearts of their own!
But I ramble. I know I can't protect them from absolutely everything, but I think it is still my responsibility to protect them as much as I can. Whether it was intentional or not, I feel betrayed by my family's response to me not associating with the person who abused me as a child. I just can't get beyond how much it hurt to see my mom be okay being around that person after I told her (when I was 16) what he did to me. And then about 8 years later, after she found out that I wasn't his only victim, she had a huge issue with him for about 2 months, and then seemed to just magically have gotten over it. It's confusing. My counselor said I should try to talk with her about this. "Talking" seemed too difficult, so we "facebook-ed" about it. I'm not sure that she was really ready to have that type of a discussion; I don't know if she ever would be. It's a crappy situation for everyone involved, really. And I try to be understanding of that, but at the same time, I think it's very important that I stand up for myself, my husband, and my kids. My pastor has told me that I'm still trying to do God's job; that I'm still striving to fix my family and find answers to these questions that maybe I'm not really ready to have answered yet (does that sentence make sense? I'm writing this after about 4 hours of sleep - my mind is a bit muddled).
I know I can't wave a magic wand and fix this issue; I don't want to put a coat of glossy paint over everything and just pretend that it's all better - that took me nowhere but to Depression Town for a long time, and I don't really want to live or vacation there anymore. It's a pretty dreary place - dark skies and rainclouds all the time. Blah. But at the same time I do miss my family - especially around the holidays; that was a really hard week. I think I'd rather have the hard weeks and feel like I'm standing up for myself and my kids than to have the family-time and feel like I'm rolling over on my principles, or putting my - quite valid, I might add - feelings to the wayside and letting myself slip back to the "I don't like this Chrystal, she has no spine" attitude I had for several years.
A close friend told me yesterday that she has seen me grow over the last few years and I'm a stronger, happier person now. My relationship with Paul is so much healthier than it used to be. We had some really tough first years - YEARS, forget the whole "the first year is the toughest" advice I received from so many people - but we've been working on our relationship and working on ourselves, and I can honestly say we're both in a really good place right now, spiritually/emotionally.
Bah. I still have many unanswered/unresolved questions/issues, and I'm learning to wait on the Lord to help me make sense of all this. "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord" runs through my head A LOT.
Gar. This started out about trust and kinda meandered all around the countryside. It's relieving to express all of this, though. Hopefully today will be a bit of a better day.
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