Foggy Memories #7

Ashlynne’s family always visited a restaurant on Friday nights.  Always.  Never anything fancy, just pizza, Chinese, or a buffet.  Usually it was just the family, but sometimes a friend came, too.  Tonight Kaitlynn agreed to let Ethan bring some friends; he invited Colt and Josh.

After Kaitlynn and Randal came home from work, Ashlynne and Ethan piled into the minivan – Ethan in the far back seat, Ashlynne in the middle seat.  They picked up Josh first.  Josh and Ethan played football together in the fall and threw discus and shot-put in the spring.  They’d been friends since Josh’s family had moved to the community a few years ago.  As soon as he climbed into the van, the two boys were lost in a conversation about the weekend.  They still had a few weeks until their first track meet, so they were planning a run and weight-training in the morning.

They were still working through details when Kaitlynn pulled up to Colt’s house and told Ashlynne to run up and let him know they were there.  Kaitlynn and Randal weren’t cell phone fans.  Reception probably wasn’t really great out here, anyway.

Ashlynne was looking for a doorbell, just about to knock since she couldn’t find one, when the front door jerked open and Colt just about knocked her over, rushing through the door and slamming it behind him.  He didn’t get the door closed before Ashlynne heard something crash – sounded like glass breaking – and then there was muffled yelling once the door was closed.

“Hey,” she said at the same time Colt looked up and muttered, “Oh, shit.  Sorry.”  He ran his hand through his hair and just looked at her for a little while, like he couldn’t figure out why she was on his doorstep.

“My parents are parked over there,” Ashlynne pointed at the minivan and stepped aside to join her family again.

“Right,” he said, and walked next to her.

“What are your parents watching?” Ashlynne asked.  Colt tossed a confused look her way.  “It sounded like an intense movie or something.”

“Oh, yeah.  I don’t know,” Colt answered.  They’d reached the van by that time; Colt pulled the door open and gestured for Ashlynne to get in first.

“You can sit by me, Ash,” Josh offered, giving her a wink and a crooked grin.

“Mm, no thanks,” was her soft reply as she reclaimed her seat in the middle.  Colt brushed his hand against her arm as he climbed in and settled next to Josh.  Josh’s chuckling ended in an “oof” followed by his quiet, “What’s your problem, man?” that Ashlynne assumed was directed at Ethan.  He could be kind of protective.

“Thanks for taking me out,” Colt hollered from the back seat.  “Awful nice of you folks.” 

“Sure thing,” Kaitlynn chirped from the driver’s seat.  “How’re your folks, Colt?”  Kaitlynn knew Colt’s parents from when they all went to school together.  His folks came to the high school football games, though Colt didn’t play.  Sometimes the two moms would sit next to each other and cheer till they were hoarse.  If it was a really good game, they’d walk the sidelines together so they could get a better view of the action.  Ashlynne enjoyed watching them jog up and down the sidelines together, cheering on the boys.

“Oh, they’re, uh, they’re just fine, thanks,” Colt replied.

“Alright, so we’re off.  Pizza sound good, everyone?” And the boys in the back crooned some oh, yeahs and Kaitlynn pulled onto the freeway toward greasy food.

Ashlynne passed the twenty-minute drive to the pizza joint staring out the window at the fields and pastures flying by.  Well, that and ignoring the snickers from Ethan and Josh when they pressed their knees against her seat.  Colt chuckled some, too, but turned serious when Josh swiped at Ashlynne’s bra strap after she leaned forward away from the knees pressing into her back.  She couldn’t help a satisfied smile spreading across her face when Josh “oof”-ed again.  A soft chuckle came from the back, too.

“What the hell is wrong with you, man?” Ethan’s voice was harsh, but quiet to not alert Kaitlynn and Randal.  Josh hadn’t done any physical harm; he was just being a jerk.  Apparently Ethan didn’t want to put a damper on the evening.

“Oh, come on.  I’m just messing around with her,” Josh scoffed.  “Don’t take it personal or anything.”

“Well, quit.”  That was Colt.  And he sounded more pissed than Ethan. 

The guys were silent the rest of the way to the pizzeria, and soon Ashlynne’s window was filled with storefronts and street signs instead of the pastures, cattle, horses, and haystacks that lined the freeway.

Ashlynne was first out of the van when once Kaitlynn parked, and she headed straight to the front doors.  Soon the boys caught up to her and Josh mumbled, “Sorry about earlier.  I was just trying to screw with you,” the quick wink and half-smirk on his lips made her doubt the sincerity of his apology.  A safer bet was he wanted to avoid Ethan’s wrath.  Or worse, risk Ashlynne’s dad finding out what happened.  “We good?” he asked.

“Yeah, sure.  Whatever.”  Then Kaitlynn and Randal joined the kids, and they all stepped into the pizza place.  Kaitlynn moved up to the counter to order.  She worked her way through college by slinging pizzas right here and was still good friends with the owners.  Ashlynne stood by her mom at the counter while the boys checked out the old-school video games and juke box in the corner of the dining area.  Randal staked a claim on a table. 

Kaitlynn ordered four extra large pizzas – a combination, meat-lovers, pepperoni, and half Canadian bacon and black olive, half Canadian bacon and pineapple – trying to make sure there was something everyone would like.  “You think we need another?” she asked Ashlynne.  Is she nuts?  piped the voice in Ashlynne’s head.  That’s twice as much as you all typically eat. Of course, Ashlynne didn’t vocalize that information.

“Is there something there you’ll actually eat?  They don’t have potato chips,” Kaitlynn bit out with a grin.  Bitchy much? came that snide voice.

“Well, yeah, I’ll eat the Canadian bacon pizza, but could I have a salad, too?” Ashlynne asked.

“Good idea,” Kaitlynn smiled.  A genuine smile.  She must’ve been trying to joke and Ashlynne misunderstood.  Ashlynne was feeling hungry and sensitive – she’d skipped the clam chowder at lunch.  Actually gave her lunch ticket to a kid in one of her classes.  She spent the lunch period walking around the track at school instead.  “Yo, Ethan!” Kaitlynn hollered across the dining room.  “You guys want salad bar?”  Sheesh!  Your mom’s certifiable, you know that, right?  Josh declined, but Ethan and Colt nodded their ascent.  Randal never wanted salad bar, so Kaitlynn didn’t bother to ask.  She added four salads to their order as well as a pitcher each of Coke, Dr. Pepper, and Sprite.

The waitress who took Kaitlynn’s order gathered the pitchers of pop, glasses of ice, and salad plates onto platters and carried it over to the table where Randal waited.  He poured himself some Coke, Kaitlynn some Dr. Pepper, and Ashlynne some Sprite.  Then he called the goys over so they could pour their own and Ashlynne grabbed her plate and headed to the salad bar.

The absolute best thing about Friday dinners out to eat – second to not having to worry about roaches, that is – was if the family made it to a restaurant with a salad bar.  Salad was by far Ashlynne’s favorite thing to eat, and this salad bar was superb.  They had crunchy romaine lettuce, not just the iceberg-carrot-red cabbage mix.  Plus baby spinach, sliced olives, diced ham, pepperoni, chopped boiled egg, shredded cheese, kidney beans, peas, chopped bacon, carrot and celery sticks, green pepper rings, cottage cheese, chocolate pudding, whole pepperoncini...  Ashlynne could make a meal just out of the salad bar alone.  Forget about the pizza.

“Don’t tell me you’re the kind of girl who comes to a pizza joint and fills up on rabbit food?” Colt teased over her shoulder.  She was ladling ranch dressing into a little plastic cup to dip her carrots, celery, and peppers in.  She had a mound of salad on her plate, plus a plastic cup of chocolate pudding for a treat.

“I’ll eat some pizza.  Maybe,” she added doubtfully as she surveyed her salad again.  She had gotten a little carried away this time. 

“You don’t think you have to diet or anything, do you?” Colt cocked an eyebrow and poked Ashlynne’s stomach.  No, she didn’t think she needed to diet, but she did like her trim figure.  Ashlynne never really told herself she couldn’t eat whatever sounded good, but she certainly did enjoy her jogs and nightly stretching. 

“Well, no, I – I just,” she sputtered, but Colt laughed at her.

“I’m teasing.  Seriously, you gotta lighten up.”  Ashlynne looked down at Colt’s plate; all he’d put on it was some cottage cheese, chocolate pudding, and a few carrot sticks.  He was currently loading his cottage cheese with chopped bacon.

“Yeah, okay,” Ashlynne turned back towards their table.

“Hey,” Colt said, grabbing her wrist.  “I’m sorry about Josh earlier tonight.  In the van.  He’s a real ass.  Are you okay?”  He looked down in her eyes, the same concern he’d shown earlier this week written all over his face.

“Yeah, sure,” was Ashlynne’s automatic response.  She tried not to let guys like Josh wear on her – there were jerks everywhere you went, even if they were a brother’s friend.  Didn’t make them decent guys.

Colt didn’t let her go.  “Really?” he pressed.  “’Cause say the word and I’ll take him out.”  He winked.

“Yeah,” Ashlynne chuckled and Colt let go of her wrist.  “Thanks.”  And she walked back to the table to enjoy her salad masterpiece.

“My pleasure,” Colt murmured as he followed right behind.  Ashlynne sat next to Kaitlynn, who sat across from Randal.  Josh was playing Asteroid and Ethan was at the salad bar.  Colt sat next to Ashlynne.  Kaitlynn and Randal asked Colt polite questions about his family – what his siblings were up to and how work was going for his parents.  Colt spoke freely about his brother and sisters – one sister was married and the other was in college.  His brother was in the army, stationed somewhere out of the country but he couldn’t tell his family exactly where.  Colt was proud certainly proud of his siblings.  He didn’t have much to say about his parents, though.  Just that they were okay.

“So, Colt, when do you get your driver’s license?” Randal asked, and Colt really perked up.  He sat up straight, squared his shoulders, and wiped his mouth with a napkin.  His salad plate was empty – Ashlynne hadn’t made it halfway through hers, and she’d only been listening to the conversation, not speaking at all.

“Well, I did the driver’s training class last summer, and Mom had me driving her all over the place after that.  I logged all of my hours pretty quick, and we went in to the DMV last week to get my license,” he reached behind him and pulled out his wallet, slid the plastic rectangle out of a slot, and reached across the table to show his license to Randal.  Randal showed it to Kaitlynn and she passed it to me to hand back to Colt.  He seemed really excited as he and Randal talked shop – Colt filled him in on how he’d worked for his grandpa all last summer, saving up to buy a truck.  He and his grandpa had been working on fixing it up ever since.  His grandpa had taught him all about oil changes, spark plugs, brakes, belts.  Ashlynne was so far lost it was ridiculous, but the conversation was right up Randal’s alley.  Randal was a mechanic in the Navy and enjoyed working on the cars he owned.  Ethan and Josh joined the table half-way through the conversation and soon all the boys were engulfed in a conversation about Randal’s first car and how he’d worked on it with his dad – some classic something or other that had all the boys grunting and “oh, man”-ing in appreciation.

Kaitlynn leaned over to her daughter and said she thought they’d go grocery shopping tomorrow, just the two of them, and figure out what Ashlynne would eat for lunch for the rest of the school year.  “You really need to eat, Ash,” she purred.  “No more skipping meals, okay?” Colt’s elbow bumped Ashlynne’s arm; the concerned look on his face told her he’d overheard the conversation.  She didn’t say anything to him, though.  Just stared at her salad and forked another mouthful.  The waitress brought their first two pizzas – the combo and the pepperoni – and Randal and the boys dug in.

The conversation shifted to the games on the big screen TVs, and Ashlynne was free to focus on her salad.  I was through with it by the time the meat lovers and Canadian bacon pizzas arrived.  She was already satisfied, but loved Canadian bacon and black olive – so salty – so Ashlynne chose the smallest piece she could find and started in on it, cutting it with her fork and stabbing bites to keep her fingers from getting greasy.

She ate that one slice and felt stuffed, content to just sit back and watch the boys devour the rest of the pizza.  Randal had three slices, Kaitlynn had two, leaving Ethan, Josh, and Colt to finish off the rest of the four extra-large pieces.  Randal excused himself to the bathroom and Kaitlynn walked to the counter to order a pitcher of root beer and pay for the meal.  Josh sat across from Ashlynne and nudged her foot under the table.  Just to pester her.  He made a weird comment about having plenty of meaty pizza for her.  Ashlynne shook her head and sipped her Sprite.

Ethan glared at Josh and leaned toward him to say something in his ear.  Colt elbowed Ashlynne.  When she looked at him, one eyebrow was cocked above his questioning eyes and a fist was clenched by his thigh.  Ashlynne smiled behind her glass.  Kaitlynn came back with the pitcher of root beer, and the boys decided they had to have a chugging contest.  In the middle of the contest Ashlynne kicked Josh square in the shin.  Hard.  He coughed and root beer leaked out of his nose.  Colt laughed and Ethan ended up winning the contest.  Josh glared at Ashlynne as he fumbled with napkins.  She just smirked behind her glass and took another sip of pop.

Josh didn’t say anything else to Ashlynne for the rest of the night.

Foggy Memories #6

Ashlynne survived morning classes, trying to suppress her stomach’s grumblings.  Shouldn’t have skipped breakfast, taunted her annoying inner voice.  Should’ve at least grabbed one of those stupid Little Debbie snacks to tide you over.  Yeah, because the instant sugar high and resulting crash would have made her feel much better.  Morning announcements said rib-b-q sandwiches would be served in the cafeteria, which meant there was little chance of Ashlynne eating something decent during the lunch break.  At least the lunch ladies made homemade rolls as the sandwich bun.  A roll and milk might pacify Ashlynne’s stomach until she could make dinner.

A note fell at her feet when Ashlynne stopped at her locker to put her backpack away before heading to the cafeteria.  She picked it up and saw her name scrawled in a sloppy script across the front of the folded paper.  She tucked it in her back pocket and headed to the cafeteria.

None of Ashlynne’s friends ate school lunch, either.  At most they ate a granola bar during the break, and then hung out around the lockers until the next class started.  Sometimes Ashlynne sat by herself in the gym, munching on chips and watching kids play basketball.

Not today, though.  No chips because no money because Kaitlynn freaked out yesterday.  She’d said Ashlynne could try something different next week, though.  Just a few more school lunches to suffer through.  Then hopefully something better would come.

Ashlynne made her way through the lunch line, asked the lunch lady for just a roll, no meat.  She gave Ashlynne a questioning look, but put two rolls on her tray and told her to grab two milks.  The lunch lady and Kaitlynn knew each other from way back, though Ashlynne was too tired at the moment to recall her name.

At the end of the line Ashlynne was delighted to see that there was some chocolate milk on display; it was normally reserved for Fridays.  Cathy, another lunch lady whose kids were all in early elementary school, started to object when Ashlynne grabbed two cartons, but the other lady hollered out to Cathy, stopping her from saying anything else.  Cathy took Ashlynne’s lunch ticket and smiled.
Ashlynne found a table in a corner where she could sit by herself.  She opened a carton of chocolate milk and took a sip.  Icy cold, it tasted alright, but it was made with 1% milk, and therefore lacked the creaminess of whole milk.  Chocolate milk made from raw milk was even better.  Ashlynne’s family used to get it fresh from her grandparents, but they’d stopped milking as they’d advanced in years.
Ashlynne tore a small bite from one of the rolls.  They were delicious – soft, buttery, and still warm from the oven.

The noise of students racing out the door reminded Ashlynne of slamming lockers, and she recalled the note in her pocket.  She took it out and studied the handwriting.  It wasn’t from one of her friends – their penmanship was much better.  She thought briefly it might’ve been from Ethan, since she’d been asleep when he left the house that morning, but it wasn’t his creative script.  What really struck her was the spelling of her name.  It was correct.  Kaitlynn chose the less-conventional Ashlynn over Ashley and then added the extra e, to make Ashlynne feel more unique, she said.  Really it just left Ashlynne frustrated.  Only her parents, siblings, and close friends spelled it correctly.  Teachers more often called her Ashley – as did most of Ashlynne’s  extended family.  Some even just shortened her name to Ash to avoid misspeaking.  Ash.  Something burned up.  Discarded. Fits, snarked her inner voice.  Ashlynne tried to silence her with more chocolate milk.

Ashlynne opened the note and her eyes went immediately to the bottom of the page, looking for a signature, but it was unsigned.  Strange.  Whoever left it in her locker must’ve assumed she’d recognize his (it must’ve been a boy – far too messy to be a girl) writing.

You still haven’t told me what was wrong was all that was written.  She knew, then, immediately, who it was from.  Ashlynne was folding the note and chewing another small bite from her roll when a tray hit the table, a chair scraped against the floor, and Colt sat next to her.  “Got my note, huh?”  Ashlynne looked up at Colt’s crooked grin and glimmering emerald eyes.

“Yeah,” she said after swallowing the roll.  “How’d you know which locker was mine?”

“I’ve seen you between classes.  Switching out your books.”  Ashlynne nodded and took another bite.  Completely possible – theirs was a small school in a farming community.  Not like thousands of students swarmed the halls or anything.  Still, Ashlynne always thought she kept a low profile.  Didn’t think anyone paid much attention to her, let alone knew which locker was hers.  Other than her friends, anyway.

“I’m really sorry about this morning,” Colt went on.  “On the bus.  The cockroach thing.”  Ashlynne’s eyes went wide and watery and she finished her carton of chocolate milk.  Colt took a bite from his rib-b-q sandwich.  He had three on his plate.  Lunch ladies liked him, too, it seemed.

“It’s alright,” Ashlynne said, looking around to see if anyone could overhear their conversation.

Colt swallowed his bite and leaned toward her.  “We have them, too,” he said in a hushed voice.  “It’s really not a big deal,” he shrugged his shoulders.  “I was just giving you shit, trying to loosen you up after yesterday on the ride home.”  He stopped talking and took another bite of his sandwich.

“Oh, okay,” was all Ashlynne could say as she finished the rest of her first roll and reached for the empty chocolate milk again.  She forgot she’d finished it, and now fumbled to open the second carton.  Half the time those tiny things opened up just fine and the other half she thought she needed a magic word.

“Here,” Colt’s hand rested on hers and he took the carton.  As he pried it open, he glanced at Ashlynne’s tray.  “Is that all you’re eating?” he handed the opened milk back to her.

“Yeah,” she shrugged.  “I can’t stand the meat.  It’s all rubbery and the sauce is pasty.  I said I just wanted a roll, so they gave me two and told me to take an extra milk.”

“Aw, it’s not that bad.  I’ve had worse,” Colt said, shoving the last of his second sandwich in his mouth.  “You still haven’t told me what was up with you yesterday,” he continued, still chewing that sandwich.

Ashlynne took another bite of roll and just nodded a few times.  Tears threatened her eyes again.  It was nice that Colt was concerned, but how could she explain everything about her mom and lunches, plus the weird flashback in the shower and her paranoia that Hunter was back?  Or why she had reason to worry about Hunter coming back to begin with?  She’d have to explain everything – all that happened before Hunter had moved out.  Even if she could somehow find a way to explain all of that, Colt would look at her in a completely different way.  A cockroach may not disgust him, but surely this would.

She shifted in her seat to face Colt.  “Yeah, I don’t really want to get into all that.”  Colt finished his last sandwich and wiped his mouth with a crumpled napkin.  “I really am sorry for screaming at you, though.  That was awful.”  Ashlynne reached for her chocolate milk, not really knowing what else to say, or what to do now.

“Yeah, it was,” Colt said, and he snatched the milk out of her hand, put it to his mouth, tipped his head back, and drank it all.  He glanced at her with a gleam in his eyes and put the empty carton on his tray.  “That was some crazy shit, man,” he chuckled and shifted in his seat, one forearm resting on the table, his other elbow on his knee, his torso tilted in toward Ashlynne.

“I really am sorry,” she said, reaching for a napkin to dab her eyes, which were dangerously close to overflowing now.  “I feel awful –”

“Forget it,” he cut her off.  “It was almost like having my sisters back home.  Crazy chick hormones,” he chuckled.

“Yeah,” Ashlynne forced a chuckle and scooted her chair away from the table.  Lunch break would be over soon and she needed to get ready for my next class.  Or maybe she just needed an excuse to be alone.

Colt put a hand on her leg, right above the knee and squeezed gently.  “Seriously.  You okay?”  Ashlynne met Colt’s gaze; his deep green eyes searched hers.  There was no humor in his voice now, no mocking tone condemning female emotions.  Genuine concern was written in kind eyes, and his thumb grazed her knee, back and forth, back and forth.

“I’ll be fine,” she whispered.  Ashlynne stood up, letting Colt’s hand fall away from her leg, and emptied her tray in the trash.  Soon she was out the door and headed back to classes.

Outside the lunchroom, she tucked her hands into her pockets and studied the floor.  Colt seemed really worried.  More than just “she’s my friend’s sister” concerned.  It was kind of nice, but she also really wished he’d just leave it alone.  If he kept at her about this, she might actually have to deal with the past; she wouldn’t be able to just let it slip to the back of her memory again.  She’d never really tried to process everything that happened as a child and the thought of doing so was frightening.  Sometimes she wasn’t even sure if what she remembered actually had happened.

Mostly, though, Ashlynne thought it was sweet that Colt wanted to make sure she was okay.  When she walked into her next class, a small grin graced her face.

Foggy Memories #5

In her room, Ashlynne turned off the light and lowered the volume on her radio to a dull hum.  It had an alarm built into it, so she set it to the “sleep” function.  The radio would play for an hour, then switch to the alarm function – set for six in the morning – giving Ashlynne plenty of opportunity to hit “snooze” a few times before crawling out of bed.

She was asleep soon after her head hit the pillow, drifting away on country lyrics.

That night was full of the restless sleep that accompanies awful, vivid dreams.  Steamy bathrooms with Hunter asking Wannadomeafavor over and over until Ashlynne bolted awake, shaking and clammy.  One dream cast her naked in the locker-room, another in the shower at home.  Still another was set in an unfamiliar bathroom.  It was clean, with matching, embroidered towel sets and a bear-claw bathtub.  In the most vivid dream of the night, Ashlynne – no more than six years old – wanted to take a shower, but couldn’t reach high enough to adjust the dials on the wall and make the water warm instead of scalding.  Thick steam filled the small room.  Sweat ran down her tiny body, mixed with the scalding water.  Why didn’t she just step out?  A hand reached into the shower to adjust the temperature; a body stood outside the shower stall, watched as she cleaned herself, handed her a towel when she stepped onto the wet floor.  Hunter’s wavy hair – he’d let it grow almost shoulder length during his junior year.  His voice velvet smooth wanna do me a favor? His last word echoed favor, favor, fa-vor, fa-vor, fa-vor; a piercing cadence.

When Ashlynne bolted awake from this last dream, her alarm was blaring, flashing six forty-five.  She had fifteen minutes until it was time to catch the bus.

She shed her pjs and pulled on a fresh bra and panties from the pile at the end of her bed.  She had a shelf high on one wall in her room, made to store a few clothes, but she was terrified of disturbing a spider and being bitten.  She preferred to hang bras on a bedpost and keep pants and panties folded at the foot of the bed.  Shirts hung in the closet, wrinkle-free, like a normal teen with a normal house.  A normal life.

Ashlynne rushed into a clean pair of jeans and grabbed a T-shirt from the closet.  The one with a rose across the front, faded from repeated washes.  It was deliciously soft, delicate, and comfy.  She slipped into flip-flops, grabbed her towel and gym clothes from the dryer and shoved them in her backpack, then headed for the bathroom.  A glance at the clock showed she had seven minutes to be at the bottom of the lane.  So much for breakfast.

She scrubbed and dried her face, brushed her hair, and swabbed on deodorant.  Makeup could be applied on the bus.  A couple minutes to go, she opted for mint gum instead of brushing her teeth.  It would help placate her empty stomach, too.  She peeked in the kitchen and saw last night’s dishes still out.  Grabbed the key off the counter to return to its hiding spot on the porch, locked the door, and slammed it behind her.

She headed down the lane just as the school bus came to a stop.  Old brakes emitted a shrill squeak as the metal box came to a halt.

She jogged as well as possible in flip-flops – never liked anyone having to wait for her – to the bottom of the lane, then climbed the steps into the bus.  Smiled in response to the bus driver’s “good morning,” and sank into the first available seat toward the back.  I didn’t realize at the time that it happened to be the seat right in front of Colt.

Before long Ashlynne felt someone’s knees pushing against her through the back of her seat.  A quick glance over her shoulder confirmed that Colt was telling Ashlynne good morning in his own slightly-annoying way.  Ashlynne felt terrible about her behavior yesterday, but wasn’t sure how to apologize without creating an awkward moment.  So she just smiled slightly and offered a quiet “good morning” before turning forward again, thinking she should do her makeup before she forgot.

Colt leaned over the back of Ashlynne’s seat and bumped her elbow as she applied foundation, so it smeared a little.  “Don’t girls normally spend a lot of time in the bathroom doing that kind of stuff?” he goaded.

Not turning around to face him, she concentrated her compact and replied, “Most girls, probably.  I woke up about fifteen minutes ago.  So I’m doing it now.”  Most of the time Ashlynne only wore foundation and mascara; occasionally blush and eye shadow or a little slick of lip gloss.

“I don’t know why you even bother with that stuff,” Colt muttered as he nudged Ashlynne’s elbow again when she reached for the mascara she’d stuck in her backpack.  At least Colt isn’t letting yesterday’s craziness make him feel uncomfortable giving you a hard time.  Ashlynne left the mascara where it was, replaced the foundation in the same pocket, deciding her eyes would be safer if she waited to accentuate her eyelashes until they reached the school.

“I may have over-slept today, but I still don’t wanna look like shit, that’s why.” Ashlynne leaned back against the seat and closed her eyes.  She felt like she hadn’t slept more than two hours last night.

Colt chuckled and sat back.  Ashlynne thought she heard him say something about being lucky enough not to need makeup, and she chuckled.  Thinking about Colt wearing foundation and mascara almost made her giggle.

A few stops down the bus route Ashlynne felt something tickle her neck, right behind her ear.  “Cut it out,” she responded sleepily.  Despite Colt’s protests that he hadn’t done anything, Ashlynne figured he had a feather or something with him.  The tickles moved from behind her ear to lower on her neck.  She tried to ignore it, but exhaustion made it difficult.  “Really, please stop, Colt,” she tried again.  She twisted so her back was next to the window, pulling her knees to her stomach, hoping maybe he’d relent if she moved further away from him.  She kept her eyes closed and tried to rest.

Then something mortifying happened.  Ashlynne felt Colt lean over the seat again and heard him say, “Look!  She’s got a cockroach on her!”  She opened her eyes and saw him pointing at her.

“I do not!” came the automatic rebuttal, but she automatically swatted all over herself and wondered if the tickling she’d felt had been Colt teasing me, or if she really did have a nasty little critter crawling along her neck.  She sat up, moved away from the window, tried to flick it off, all the while hoping it wasn’t really there.

“Gross!  It just crawled out of her ear!” he continued.  The other kids on the bus snickered.  Pointed and outright laughed.  Crap.  Colt could, of course, been right.  Ashlynne hadn’t checked her bag before she moved it from the chair by the front door to her room last night.  There was every possibility that a roach had wandered its way into the bag and decided to crawl out when she ran to catch the bus.

Then she saw it.  Crawling on the seat beside her.  It wasn’t one of the largest ones she’d seen.  Not that there were giant hissing cockroaches in her house, by any means.  They ranged in size from pin-head to thumb-nail.  The one on the seat next to Ashlynne, crawling away, was about the size of her pinkie nail.  She brushed it quickly off the seat into the aisle, hoping no one saw it.

Of course, the other kids saw it.  As they stopped pointing at Ashlynne and started pointing at the aisle instead, their laughter was replaced with groaning and cries of “Gross!” and “Nasty!” Ashlynne looked at Colt.  Met his green eyes with her watery brown ones, tears about to overflow.  “You’re a jerk,” she whispered before getting up and moving a few seats closer to the front of the bus.  The exclamations of the other kids turned into whispers and Ashlynne felt their eyes on her back as she made her escape.

In her new seat, Ashlynne huddled close to the window, rested her cheek against the cold glass.  Watched the fields pass by like flip books – the water running down the corrugations in contrast to the dark brown earth where corn and wheat peeked out – and tried to slow the tears that trickled past her damming eyelids.  The cool window helped suck the heat from her face.  

Lost in the serenity of flip-book fields – thank God for farmers and country life; always good for a distraction or lighthearted entertainment on an uncomfortable drive – Ashlynne was startled when the seat next to her sank as someone sat down.  His voice was soft when he apologized.  The antagonizing banter was completely gone when Colt almost-whispered, “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean anything.”

Ashlynne lifted her head from the window long enough to turn in his direction, her eyes still watery, but holding the tears back now.  Meeting his eyes, seeing true remorse there, knowing he meant what he said and wasn’t just apologizing in case she told Ethan about what happened – her dam threatened to break again.  She turned back to the window to wait for another flip-book field.  Unfortunately, the bus stopped to wait for an early elementary kid to run from his front door to the bus.  He had to go back after making it halfway; had to give his mama one last goodbye kiss.  Lucky little kid to have a mama at home to see him off to school Ashlynne thought.  She imagined his mom made pancakes for breakfast.  No Little Debbie snacks for that cute kid.

Colt’s hand was suddenly on Ashlynne’s leg, just above her knee.  He startled away the thoughts of how different she wished her life was, how she’d rather see her mom for more than just dinner and Primetime.  How different Ashlynne might be if Kaitlynn hadn’t had to leave her kids to their own hands – or someone else’s.

“I killed it,” Colt said.  “The roach,” like he could have been referring to anything else.  “In the aisle.  I stepped on it.  It’s dead,” he stammered.  Ashlynne looked at his hand on her leg.  He showed no intention of moving it.  He leaned a little closer and continued, “We have them, too.”  Ashlynne’s eyes widen when he shared this.  She’d never told anyone what her house was like.  She figured everyone knew from the outside appearance that it wasn’t anything real great on the inside, but she never felt the need to provide fodder for people’s imaginations.  Colt kept talking, and Ashlynne met his eyes.  “It’s okay.  It didn’t come out of your ear like I said.  I don’t know why I said that.  It was stupid.”

He moved his hand now, brushed Ashlynne’s long hair away from her eyes.  Her eyes darted around the bus.  Colt wasn’t acting like Ethan’s ornery friend anymore.  He was being decent.  Nice, even.  Despite how she treated him yesterday.  He put his hand back in his lap, leaning forward with his arms on his knees.  When Ashlynne looked away from him and out the window again, he blew out a deep breath and said, “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”  Um, you could say ‘thanks,’ came that snarky voice in Ashlynne’s head, but she was afraid she’d cry if she tried to speak.  Ashlynne nodded her head slowly, hoping Colt would let that stand in place of a proper “thank you.”  Just a couple more stops until they reached the school.  Colt moved his hand to Ashlynne’s knee again, smoothed his thumb back and forth a couple times.  “You okay?” he asked.

Ashlynne turned and looked past his shoulder.  “I’ll be fine,” she said quietly.  Above-whisper but not loud enough anyone else could hear.  His thumb stopped moving and he squeezed her leg.  Just a little.  Ashlynne glanced at his hand above her knee again before looking at his face.  Tears threatened to spill when she saw the tender look lingering in his eyes.  His mouth opened to say something else, but she interrupted.  “Please leave me alone,” her voice choked on the last word.  The same request she’d made yesterday, only much more politely.  Ashlynne’s gaze shifted to his mouth – would he say anything now? – then back to his eyes.  They looked hurt.  He squeezed her leg slightly before he stood up and headed toward the back of the bus.  Ashlynne turned toward the window and the flip-book fields were all gone.  The school was right up ahead.

When the bus stopped in the parking lot, Ashlynne bolted off and slipped quickly into the school.  She dodged the other students, head down so they wouldn’t notice if her eyes were puffy or her cheeks were red.  She made it into the bathroom and thanked God that no one else was in there.  A few paper-towels soaked in icy cold water helped the puffiness in her face subside.

The bell rang, signaling five minutes till class started.  Ashlynne stared into the mirror for a few minutes, smoothing her hair and looking for signs of lingering tears before touching up her foundation and applying a quick coat of mascara.  When she thought most kids would be in their classes, she threw the wet paper towels away, left the bathroom, and headed to class.  Colt called her name as she opened the classroom door.  She saw him at the end of the hallway, bag slung over his shoulder, headed in her direction.  She slipped into class and hurried to an available desk.  As the door clicked closed, she told herself she’d ride at the front of the bus on the way home and hope that Colt wouldn’t be bold enough to bear the loud, bouncing elementary kids with her.

Things I Know on the "Good" Days

I've been having too many of those days recently.  You know the ones.  Or maybe your life is full of constant sunshine and butterflies; maybe you don't know those days.  Good for you.  Sincerely.

Those days when my bed taunts me nothing's going to get better once you leave me.  Might as well hide in the comforter.  Those days when every carbohydrate and sugar in the house teases might as well indulge; your muffin top hasn't left over the last five years.  It's not leaving EVER.  Those days when the voice in my head - the one who's supposed to be on my side - adopts the mantra no one's going to listen.  If anyone does, they'll only realize how weird/crazy/creepy you really are.  Those days when my body protests with every movement the doctor is crazy.  Consistent, gentle exercise is getting you nowhere.  You still feel/look like crap.  Those days when even my heart hurts, and I find it impossible to pinpoint the why.

A few weeks back, I made a list.  I love lists.  Little reminders, little items to check off, little ways to fool myself into thinking I'm organized and I've got everything under control.  I made a list of things to remember when those days creep in.  Those feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, defeat.  I read it today with my cynical eyes, and although some items seem cheesy, I remember writing it when I felt very positive.  I'm hoping to feel positive again someday soon.

1.  I love Christina and Hope.
2.  I love my husband.
3.  I'd do anything - give anything - for those three people.
4.  My husband and daughters love me.
5.  My husband thinks I'm beautiful.
6.  My daughter's think I'm beautiful. (This seems important enough to warrant its own number.  I see so many of my features in my children, especially Christina.  My hope is that if they really think I'm beautiful, when they're older they'll appreciate their own beauty and avoid those all-too-prevalent body image issues.)
7.  I'm not perfect, which is great, beacuse I'm not supposed to be.
8.  I ought to talk to myself with as much kindness as I offer to those who share their burdens with me.
9.  It's a blessing to pray for others, so I ought to feel free to share my burdens and ask others to pray for me.
10. When all is said and done, I am His and He is mine.

This song has been running through my mind over the last few months, and while it's not helping much today, it is very pretty.

Foggy Memories #4

Ashlynne blinked a few times and looked again – there was no man in the bathroom.  Even if there had been a man in the room, it couldn’t have been Hunter.  He’d moved out of state a couple years ago, and wasn’t due back until graduation next year.  Fighting against the panic that held her frozen in the shower, she grabbed a towel from the shelf, wrapped up, and stepped over to the door.  “It wasn’t Hunter.  Wasn’t really anyone,” Ashlynne tried to convince herself.

Ashlynne toweled off, hastily dressed, and double-checked the front door.  Shit.  Forget to lock the door after you fed the cats, idiot?  Maybe you had a visitor, after all.  “That’s ridiculous.  I would have heard the door shut if someone had been here and then left,” Ashlynne responded out loud to the snarky voice in her head.  The house key lay on the kitchen counter.  Funny.  Ashlynne normally placed it in its hiding spot after unlocking the front door.  It was only a quarter ‘til five now; too early for her family to be home.  “Ethan?!” Ashlynne cried out.  Maybe he caught a ride home instead of waiting for their parents.  There was no answer.  Of course he wasn’t home.  After practice Ethan utilized the school’s weight room until their parents picked him up.  Even if he had been home, he wasn’t mean enough to pull this twisted of a prank.  Ashlynne locked the front door and returned to the bathroom to blow-dry her hair.  “I’ll just start dinner soon.  Forget what I saw.  What I think I saw.  God, I’m going a little crazy,” she muttered.  More than a little came the snarky reply.

Fully dressed and hair dried, Ashlynne put the blow-dryer away, started the water for the spaghetti, and threw her towel and gym clothes into the washer.  Then it was back to the kitchen, a skillet on the stove for the hamburger.  The water was boiling, so she grabbed spaghetti noodles and sauce from the pantry.  No evidence a mouse tried to nibble its way into the pasta, so she dumped the whole thing into the pot.  When the meat was almost cooked through Ashlynne added the spaghetti sauce to the skillet.  She looked at the kitchen table.  Why do you live like this? The table was covered with discarded jars and a container of margarine – half-rotted food all over the table with barely enough room for plates around the edges.  That’s how it had always been, though.  Little roaches crawled among the mess, dead ones floated in the uncovered pickle jars.  Ashlynne fought an urge to retch.

“I’m not eating like this tonight.”  She grabbed everything off the table and threw it in the trash.  Condiments, pickles, moldy bread, scraps of paper, too.  Threw everything away until the table was only covered in bugs and whatever stuck-on nastiness had accumulated.  The clink-clink-clink of jars hitting each other in the garbage can was almost musical.

Ashlynne soaked a wash cloth in hot water and squirted dish soap all over the table.  An faint acrid smell tainted the air – the spaghetti sauce was scorching.  She turned off that burner and checked the noodles – still not tender so she turned her attention back to the table, scrubbing and rinsing the wash cloth and scrubbing again until the bugs all crawled away and there was no evidence the table had been covered in jars of spoiled food moments ago.  She set plates and forks on the table, drained the spaghetti, and tossed it with the meat sauce, and left it on the stove, covered with a lid.  She’d just finished moving her laundry from the washer to the dryer when someone knocked on the door.  Ashlynne peeked through the curtain and there was Ethan’s sweating face, blue eyes, and blonde hair.  She opened the door and he grabbed her in a slick embrace before she could pull away.  “Hey, sister!” he crooned.  “Smells good in here.”

She muttered her thanks as she wiped her cheek with her shirt sleeve.  Ethan moved off to his room and Ashlynne moved to the kitchen, leaving the door open for her parents.  She placed the pot of spaghetti on a folded towel in the center of the table.  It was almost as good as dinner at her grandparents’ – their home was impeccably clean.  Never any mice scratching the walls at Grandma’s house.

“You’ve been busy,” Kaitlyn’s voice called.  She nodded at the table when Ashlynne looked up, Kaitlyn’s face expressionless.  Then she turned toward her room, calling over her shoulder, “I’ll be out in a bit and then we can eat.”

Ashlynne’s dad, Randal, came in last, closed the door behind him, and headed to the bathroom, not saying anything.  Ashlynne sat on the couch and turned the TV to Jeopardy to start their nightly entertainment.  “You need to put your radio –” he called as he came out of the bathroom and headed to the kitchen.  Ashlynne turned in his direction when he started speaking, and saw his eyes land on the table when his sentence was cut off.  She stood up and headed toward the bathroom to collect her radio and return it to her room.  She tried to slip past him, but he pulled her into a hug, squeezed tightly, and softly said, “Thank you.”  Ashlynne squeezed back and took care of her radio.

The family ate dinner together, Kaitlyn guessing the Jeopardy questions, Randal and Ethan reaching for additional spaghetti until they emptied the pot.  Jeopardy passed and Kaitlyn moved from the table to the couch to enjoy her shows and work on her crafts.  She didn’t say anything about the lunchtime conversation.  Ashlynne grabbed her bag from its perch by the front door, took it to her room and worked on some homework, radio playing in the background.

Randal peeked his head in after a while and thanked Ashlynne again for cleaning the table that afternoon.  “Tomorrow, do you think you could work on the refrigerator or the cupboards?  If we get rid of all the nasty food around here, I might be able to get those roaches gone once and for all.  Who knows, maybe the mice will go, too.”

He smiled when Ashlynne nodded, then walked across the hallway to his room.  He looked back at her like he wanted to say something else, but closed his door without a word instead.

After Ashlynne finished her homework, she closed her door, changed into pajamas, and brushed her hair until it felt soft and smooth.  She worked through her nightly stretches, then layered lotion all over her skin and headed to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face.  Kaitlyn stopped her on her way back to bed.

“If you can make it through this week’s lunches, we can start doing something different next week.  Maybe you can start taking a lunch so you don’t have to eat in the cafeteria.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.  Good night.”  Kaitlyn walked toward her room.  Ashlynne started to follow her, but something caught her eye.  She glanced at the table and saw that she was the only one who had put her dishes in the sink after dinner.  Everyone else’s plates and the empty spaghetti pot were still sitting on the table.  A small mouse tried to jump out of the pot, disappointed there was no dinner left for him.  Ashlynne shook her head and went off to bed.

Foggy Memories #3

The bus drove away and Ashlynne watched Colt turn away from the window, unsure how she would face him in the morning.  She turned around and headed up her long lane.  It was lined with cottonwood trees on one side and fruit trees on the other – apples, pears, peaches, and cherries with their fragrant blossoms.  All made great ammunition while a bored Ashlynne and Ethan waited for the bus in the morning, or as they dallied on the walk to the house they never really wanted to reach.  Ethan used to be too quick for Ashlynne to hit, but she’d gained accuracy over the last year.  He was at track practice though; there would be no game of “dodge” today.

The wind picked up as Ashlynne ambled her way toward the house, blowing her hair in thick chunks around her shoulders and face.  She tried running her hands through it, but her fingers caught in the tangles – she didn’t have any shampoo or conditioner in her shower at the gym, and hadn’t attempted untangling the mess on the bus. The wind didn’t help, either.  She needed a proper shower.  “You look completely crazed.  No wonder Colt pestered you,” Ashlynne’s inner voice mocked her.

Ashlynne reached the crest of her lane and turned toward the house.  The lane continued on to neighbors she only saw in passing.  They offered slight nods or waves, but Ashlynne didn’t know their names.

When she reached the porch door – the screen door on the small entryway they called a porch, but was really just a room full of broken appliances and other junk – a dozen cats swarmed around her legs.  Ashlynne’s family took in all kinds of strays.  Kaitlyn said they helped keep the mice down, so they fed the cats once a day to keep them around.  The cats sucked as mousers, though – the house was still overrun with vermin.

“Yeah, yeah.  I’ll feed you in a minute.” Ashlynne brushed the cats out of the way with her left foot.  Just enough she could open the screen door.  She made sure none of the cats snuck in behind her – no one had bothered to train them to use a litter box.  If someone had, maybe they would be allowed inside and then mice wouldn’t be an issue.

Ashlynne found the hide-a-key on the porch and let herself in the house.  Dropped her book-bag on the chair next to the door.  On top of the box on the chair next to the door, actually.  A mouse rattled around in the box, wreaking havoc on discarded junk.  Ashlynne locked the door behind her, continued into the house, through the tiny kitchen and to the even smaller living room.  Grabbed the phone off the couch’s arm rest and dialed Kaitlyn at work.  It rang through to voice mail.  “Hi, Mom.  I’m home now.”

She moved to the kitchen, took some hamburger out of the freezer and put it in the sink with some cool water to thaw.  Spaghetti was effortless.  Boil water, add noodles, brown burger, open spaghetti sauce, mix everything together.  Even after today’s stress, Ashlynne couldn’t screw that up too much.  “Don’t be too sure,” she mentally snarked.

She headed to her room and grabbed her radio – it rested against the wall next to her bed frame to provide background noise while doing homework and trying to fall asleep.  Showering with the radio blasting might put her at ease.

Ashlynne plugged the radio into the bathroom outlet and was about to undress when she realized she hadn’t fed the cats yet.  She slipped her flip-flops back on, scooped up some cat food, and dumped it in the bowl outside.  The cats fought over the food and Ashlynne headed back in the house.

She glanced at the clock hanging in the dining area.  Four thirty.  An hour left until Ashlynne needed to start dinner.  She went back to the bathroom and turned on the shower, waiting for the water to get hot. She undressed and glanced in the mirror; faint pink rivulets still ran down her breasts, shoulders, and stomach.  The water at school had been hot!  But it seemed like there was something important earlier, in the steam and the mental cloudiness, the sound of millions of water droplets echoing against the concrete floor and walls of the gym shower.

The shower sounded different at home, of course, since it wasn’t made of concrete.  Ashlynne’s daddy had added two bedrooms onto the old one-bedroom farm house when they moved in.  He never updated the bathroom, though.  The shower was an old rusted metal frame – solid on three sides and open on one to step into, with a plastic curtain hanging there.  It was about four feet wide on each side and seven feet tall.  The water sounded like rain on a tin roof.  Steam clouded over the top of the shower and fogged the mirror until the red rivulets disappeared from view; Ashlynne’s face slowly clouded, too.

Hot drops of water pricked her skin when Ashlyne entered the shower.  “Fishin' in the Dark” blared over the radio, but she couldn’t find her voice to sing along.  The tune changed as suds pooled at her feet and the DJ announced Garth Brooks’ “That Summer.”  Disgust settled over Ashlynne and her stomach churned.  All that leather hands and velvet touches.  As Garth’s smooth voice blasted out of the radio, Ashlynne forced herself to continue her shower routine, working a deep conditioner through her hair.  She rested her forearms against the metal wall of the shower, folded one across the other and laid her head on top.  The hot water pulsed against her lower back.

Garth crooned about velvet hands and dancing wheat fields and thunder and lightning and Hunter’s name began bouncing around in Ashlynne’s head, frustration building.  His hands, his touch.  Memories that robbed her of her peace.  The song ended, she rinsed conditioner from her hair with water that was cooling, turned the shower off, pulled the curtain open, and froze.  The bathroom was full of steam, and Ashlynne saw a man standing by the door.  Average height, slim build, medium-length hair, a smile on his face.  Hunter.  His words echoed in the small bathroom.  “Wanna do me a favor?  Wanna do me a favor?  Wanna do me a favor? Wannadomeafavor?”

Foggy Memory #2

Last week was super busy with my oldest's 7th birthday.  SEVEN!  My goodness.  She had a super-fun weekend, and now here's a new post to share. :)


Colt sat across from Ashlynne – his back to the window, long legs sprawled across the seat, dusty boots almost touching Ashlynne’s flipflops.  She closed her eyes and tried to block everything out, resting her back against the window – hot air blowing her hair in wild wisps around her face.  A tumbly, twisty curtain to hide behind.

When Ashlynne didn’t respond to Colt’s comment about her disheveled appearance, Colt taunted her physically.  He slouched down in his seat until he could tap her feet with his boots.

With her best “back off” glare plastered on her face, Ashlynne met his eyes.  Arms crossed over her chest, she imagined everything about her posture screaming “leave me alone.”

“What’s wrong with you today?” he asked.  He wore his typical goofy grin as he kicked her foot gently again.

“Leave me alone,” Ashlynne responded, dark thoughts clouding reason.  He was just joking around, she knew that.  Messing with her like Ethan typically would.  But Ashlynne was still caught up in the gloom of trying to figure out what had happened in the shower earlier.  She closed her eyes again.

“No,” he said.  Colt pushed Ashlynne’s foot aside so it hit the floor of the bus.  “What’s wrong?  Why are you in such a shitty mood, Ash?”  One of those “good ol’ boys”, proper language wasn’t always on his tongue.  The light joke in his voice earlier was gone.  He sat on the edge of his seat, his feet planted in the aisle, his torso invading Ashlynne’s personal space.

Ashlynne stood up to find a different seat.  Colt stood and blocked her path.  Refused to move when she told him to.  The bus driver stopped in the middle of the road and told them both to sit down.

She tried to move past Colt, but couldn’t squeeze by.  His eyebrows rose on his face and his eyes met hers.  Other kids stared as the bus driver squawked an order to sit down.  Colt smirked as Ashlynne slumped back down in her seat and the bus lurched forward again.

Colt’s smile softened when he asked – again – what was wrong and reached a hand out to touch her arm.  Ashlynne pushed him away.  Colt wouldn’t let up, though – poking Ashlynne’s legs with his fingers, he kept asking why was she in such a horrible mood.

Exasperated at his relentlessness, Ashlynne screamed – not a yell, not a raised voice, just screamed like a crazy person, like a bratty child – “LEAVE ME ALONE!”  She screamed, her throat throbbed with the effort, she choked on the pain.  But still, she screamed again, and hot tears flowed as the pain combined with embarrassment – knowing how absurdly she was behaving but at the same time feeling unable to rein it in.

With her every scream, Colt asked what was wrong.  After a few minutes of screaming, Ashlynne gave another screech that ended in choking tears.  Colt lost patience.  “It hurts, doesn’t it?” he demanded as Ashlynne coughed and gagged.  He huffed as Ashlynne screamed and choked and coughed all over again.

The bus was almost at Ashlynne’s house when she gave up screaming and just cried – silent and self-conscious, her throat throbbing.

“Do you feel better now?” Colt asked as she sat up and wiped tears off her face.  The bus was stopping at the bottom of her lane.

Ashlynne shouldered her book bag, stood up, and looked into his green eyes.  A hoarsely whispered, “No,” was all she could say before she hung her head low and shuffled down the aisle and off the bus.

At the bottom of her lane, Ashlynne turned around.  Colt sat at the window staring at her, concern etched across his face as the bus drove away.