Am I the only woman who remembers playing dress-up? Christina loves to play dress-up; she'll sneak into the clean laundry and put on one of Paul's or my shirts and prance around in her "gown" (she thinks she's one of the Disney princesses). She's been obsessed with shoes - particularly mine - since she figured out how to walk, and loves clopping around the house in my abandoned heels. As she struts around she beams at me, "Mommy, I'm a PRINcess!" It's delightful. I love the sparkle in her eye; I love that she feels beautiful and knows Mommy agrees she's beautiful.
A couple days ago I celebrated, if you can really call it that, the second anniversary of my 25th birthday. This summer will be 10 years since my relationship with Paul began. I have two beautiful daughters. And I feel like I'm still playing dress-up
Twenty-seven *shudder* just sounds so old. Life certainly isn't what I thought it would be by the time I was in my late 20's. For one thing, I figured I'd have another child or two by now. I thought I'd have my college loans all paid back (keep in mind, a lot of these "thought I'd have"s are from my blissfully idealogical teenage years). I just assumed I'd own my own home by the time my 30s were approaching. I guess I just thought I'd be more "put together" than I currently feel.
I look in the mirror and notice a few wrinkles around my eyes. I haven't found any gray hairs yet, but that could be due to the wonderful job my hairstylist does with highlights. I see the ever-present dark circles cradling my eyes. But as I look at this tired reflection, I feel like if I passed myself in the grocery store, I'd never guess I had two kids. Or that I'd been married almost 7 years. In some ways, I suppose, I still see myself as an care-free teenager. I remember when I was almost finished with college and bought a couple nice business suits for the interviews that were sure to follow. I felt like I was playing dress-up. Like I was some little girl posing as a powerful businesswoman. Today I feel like a little girl pretending she's a good mommy.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Calloused, or Steadfast?
Oh, it's been a while since I've posted here. Besides the busy-ness of family life, we've had a death, a graduation, a birthday celebration, and a Mother's day celebration. These are not much of an excuse, though, since they actually all happened within about 2 weeks of each other. Oh, my. By the time life seems to settle down, I think I'll be well into my 70s or so.
I've been thinking lately about my decisions regarding my family - not having contact with them. To me, I feel like I am being steadfast in doing what I believe is best for me, my children, and my husband. But to the outsider looking in, I wonder if I appear cold and calloused. We do not invite my parents or siblings to our family get-togethers. I'd really prefer that they actually don't know where I live right now. I trusted my mom to not give my mailing address to the guy who molested me, and within a couple weeks of her promising she had not given it to him, I received mail from him. I cannot trust her to keep her promises (this is not the only time she has defaulted on her word to me) so I feel it's saner for me to just not tell her where I am living.
I get sick of people preaching tolerance for immorality. I've heard time and time again that I ought to forgive my offender because Jesus loves him and Jesus will forgive him if only he asks and repents. This is true. I believe that God has the power to forgive anyone of any sin if that person is truly repentant. I also believe, however, that there are still consequences of our sin. I don't believe that God just hands us cherry-flavored lollipops all day long, no matter what we do or don't do. I think we screw up and we have to deal with the outcomes.
Paul & I were discussing something along these lines over brunch yesterday. Specifically, that Jesus did preach to adulterers, tax collectors, Samaritans, those people that were not fit for the leaders of the synagogue, and whoever all else, to talk to. But he called them to change, to cast down their nets and follow him. He didn't tarry in the bad parts of town. He might stop and preach a bit, maybe heal a person or two, but he kept on the move. He was very nomadic.
It's a complicated idea, I guess; how God loves us just as we are, but at the same time calls us to change our ways and turn away from our sinful nature. I don't believe that we should surround ourselves with immoral people, or people who surround themselves with immoral people. Iron sharpens iron; like dissolves like. I still feel like I am doing right for my family - my kids and my husband - I just wonder how it appears to the outsider looking in on my life, who maybe doesn't have all the facts. It doesn't really matter, I guess, since if I KNOW I am doing what God has lead me to, all other opinions fall to the wayside. But still, I'm curious. Like a cat. It's why my friends call me whiskers. ;)
I've been thinking lately about my decisions regarding my family - not having contact with them. To me, I feel like I am being steadfast in doing what I believe is best for me, my children, and my husband. But to the outsider looking in, I wonder if I appear cold and calloused. We do not invite my parents or siblings to our family get-togethers. I'd really prefer that they actually don't know where I live right now. I trusted my mom to not give my mailing address to the guy who molested me, and within a couple weeks of her promising she had not given it to him, I received mail from him. I cannot trust her to keep her promises (this is not the only time she has defaulted on her word to me) so I feel it's saner for me to just not tell her where I am living.
I get sick of people preaching tolerance for immorality. I've heard time and time again that I ought to forgive my offender because Jesus loves him and Jesus will forgive him if only he asks and repents. This is true. I believe that God has the power to forgive anyone of any sin if that person is truly repentant. I also believe, however, that there are still consequences of our sin. I don't believe that God just hands us cherry-flavored lollipops all day long, no matter what we do or don't do. I think we screw up and we have to deal with the outcomes.
Paul & I were discussing something along these lines over brunch yesterday. Specifically, that Jesus did preach to adulterers, tax collectors, Samaritans, those people that were not fit for the leaders of the synagogue, and whoever all else, to talk to. But he called them to change, to cast down their nets and follow him. He didn't tarry in the bad parts of town. He might stop and preach a bit, maybe heal a person or two, but he kept on the move. He was very nomadic.
It's a complicated idea, I guess; how God loves us just as we are, but at the same time calls us to change our ways and turn away from our sinful nature. I don't believe that we should surround ourselves with immoral people, or people who surround themselves with immoral people. Iron sharpens iron; like dissolves like. I still feel like I am doing right for my family - my kids and my husband - I just wonder how it appears to the outsider looking in on my life, who maybe doesn't have all the facts. It doesn't really matter, I guess, since if I KNOW I am doing what God has lead me to, all other opinions fall to the wayside. But still, I'm curious. Like a cat. It's why my friends call me whiskers. ;)
Monday, March 21, 2011
Fantasy and Reality
After weeks of thinking about my last post, I've decided I really need to provide some clarification. I said I miss my parents and wonder if they miss me. What I *really* miss is the idea of parents, if that makes any sense to cyberworld. I miss an ideological, fantasy version of our relationship; I don't miss the actuality of our relationship.
It would be great if my kids could know my side of the family and if they could have a close relationship with my parents/grandparents/brothers/aunts/uncles/cousins. It'd be great for my family, too; they really are missing out on some pretty amazing kiddos. Christina's not even 3 years old yet, and she's learning to read and write. I think that's pretty amazing, even if I am a little bit biased.
Yeah, it would be wonderful if we lived in a perfect world and my kids could know all of their grandparents, uncles, etc. But I don't live in a perfect world. And I'm choosing not to live in a fantasy world, where I just ignore problems and pretend like everything is okay. I'm living in reality - the reality that my parents showed no signs of caring that I was abused for the foundational years of my childhood. And the reality that they continue to pursue a relationship with my abuser. No, I really don't expect them to cut the guy out of their lives. I did expect, however, that they would show at least a tiny bit of concern for my feelings; a tiny bit of respect for my decisions. I hoped that they wouldn't just toss aside and ignore something that is core to who I am and how I view the world these days.
Maybe people think I'm cold-hearted or stubborn. Heck, some people would probably even say I'm wrong or I'm selfish. But when I look at reality - the words that were actually said and the situations that really took place - and when I let go of the fantastical relationship I wish I had with my parents, I'm better off - and my kids are better off - leaving that behind. We don't need the disrespect, the pain, or the emotional trauma.
I still wish I had that fantastical relationship with my parents, where they could come over for dinner, birthday parties, Christmas. But I'm accepting that this is only a wish and is certainly not the reality I've been given.
It would be great if my kids could know my side of the family and if they could have a close relationship with my parents/grandparents/brothers/aunts/uncles/cousins. It'd be great for my family, too; they really are missing out on some pretty amazing kiddos. Christina's not even 3 years old yet, and she's learning to read and write. I think that's pretty amazing, even if I am a little bit biased.
Yeah, it would be wonderful if we lived in a perfect world and my kids could know all of their grandparents, uncles, etc. But I don't live in a perfect world. And I'm choosing not to live in a fantasy world, where I just ignore problems and pretend like everything is okay. I'm living in reality - the reality that my parents showed no signs of caring that I was abused for the foundational years of my childhood. And the reality that they continue to pursue a relationship with my abuser. No, I really don't expect them to cut the guy out of their lives. I did expect, however, that they would show at least a tiny bit of concern for my feelings; a tiny bit of respect for my decisions. I hoped that they wouldn't just toss aside and ignore something that is core to who I am and how I view the world these days.
Maybe people think I'm cold-hearted or stubborn. Heck, some people would probably even say I'm wrong or I'm selfish. But when I look at reality - the words that were actually said and the situations that really took place - and when I let go of the fantastical relationship I wish I had with my parents, I'm better off - and my kids are better off - leaving that behind. We don't need the disrespect, the pain, or the emotional trauma.
I still wish I had that fantastical relationship with my parents, where they could come over for dinner, birthday parties, Christmas. But I'm accepting that this is only a wish and is certainly not the reality I've been given.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Missing People
Today is my parents 33rd wedding anniversary. I haven't seen them for almost a year and 4 months. I haven't talked to them on the phone for almost a year. I miss them. I wonder if they wonder about that; I really do miss them. I wish there was a way to fix our relationship, but I really don't see how we could do that. I've made a decision that I KNOW is best for me and my kids, and I feel like my parents have shown complete disregard for that decision. I WILL NOT have anything to do with the guy who hurt me for so many years; my requests to not hear anything about him and not see him were not respected over and over and over again until, finally, it was too much, too hurtful. So I stopped answering calls, responding to texts, answering emails.
But I still miss them. And it's sad that they don't know their grandchildren. They've never seen Hope. Mom& Dad's loss. But it still hurts when I think about it, so I try not to think about it for a while, but then I get nervous that I'm just burying the pain again and setting myself up for another emotional blow-up a year down the road. So then I MAKE myself think about it and life's tough for a few days, and then I make peace with the situation all over again. I am reminded that everything works out in God's timing, not mine. "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord." "Blessed be your name when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness... on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering." I sing worship songs more often now than I think I ever have before. While I'm doing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen, folding laundry, changing diapers. Christina sings along and I LOVE it. Sometimes she even has special requests. :)
Someone asked me once what I would do if my parents tried to make contact again; asked if they could come over or if we could meet at a park or something. Honestly, I'm not really sure. I'm so hurt that part of me just doesn't want to risk being vulnerable; I don't want to get my hopes up that maybe we could establish a healthy relationship, just to have those hopes dashed all over again. But then there's another part of me that says the relationship will never heal unless I take a chance. Then the "Mama Bear" inside me rears up on her hind legs and makes me feel wary of letting someone into Christina's & Hope's lives when I'm not really certain that those people are going to be positive, consistent influences. I've seen a child make strong connections with people only to have those people leave; I do not want to see one of my children go through that.
So I'll stick with my current plan, I guess. Continue to pray for guidance, direction, and understanding. Continue to wait upon the Lord and turn ever blessing back to praise. My sweet Aunt Cammie reminded me earlier this week (after lamenting potential changes due to increase rheumatoid arthritis pain) to focus on positive things. I have a Savior who loves me in spite of my flaws. I have an AMAZING husband who continuously supports me and sacrifices for me. I have two of the most beautiful children a mommy could ever ask for. I have a wonderful support network of family and friends. That's more than enough to help me get through my days.
But I still miss them. And it's sad that they don't know their grandchildren. They've never seen Hope. Mom& Dad's loss. But it still hurts when I think about it, so I try not to think about it for a while, but then I get nervous that I'm just burying the pain again and setting myself up for another emotional blow-up a year down the road. So then I MAKE myself think about it and life's tough for a few days, and then I make peace with the situation all over again. I am reminded that everything works out in God's timing, not mine. "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord." "Blessed be your name when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness... on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering." I sing worship songs more often now than I think I ever have before. While I'm doing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen, folding laundry, changing diapers. Christina sings along and I LOVE it. Sometimes she even has special requests. :)
Someone asked me once what I would do if my parents tried to make contact again; asked if they could come over or if we could meet at a park or something. Honestly, I'm not really sure. I'm so hurt that part of me just doesn't want to risk being vulnerable; I don't want to get my hopes up that maybe we could establish a healthy relationship, just to have those hopes dashed all over again. But then there's another part of me that says the relationship will never heal unless I take a chance. Then the "Mama Bear" inside me rears up on her hind legs and makes me feel wary of letting someone into Christina's & Hope's lives when I'm not really certain that those people are going to be positive, consistent influences. I've seen a child make strong connections with people only to have those people leave; I do not want to see one of my children go through that.
So I'll stick with my current plan, I guess. Continue to pray for guidance, direction, and understanding. Continue to wait upon the Lord and turn ever blessing back to praise. My sweet Aunt Cammie reminded me earlier this week (after lamenting potential changes due to increase rheumatoid arthritis pain) to focus on positive things. I have a Savior who loves me in spite of my flaws. I have an AMAZING husband who continuously supports me and sacrifices for me. I have two of the most beautiful children a mommy could ever ask for. I have a wonderful support network of family and friends. That's more than enough to help me get through my days.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Old Writings
The other day I opened a journal I had begun about a year, year and a half ago. It's kinda fun to read things I've written and forgot about. It's interesting to see how I've progressed in my healing, where I've backslid. And it's fun to have a fresh look at an old piece of writing and think, "Oh, I'd change this sentence. This paragraph would be better placed here." Kinda made me feel like I was back in college.
I've thought about maybe posting some of those writings. Mostly they are about my experiences sharing my story with different people in my life. Maybe if I do post any of them, I'll change some names for privacy's sake. It might just make things a little smoother.
Anyway, reading those old journal entries got me to thinking about forgiveness and letting go of hatred and all of that. I come back to these topics CONSTANTLY, so I suppose it's something I need to tackle more diligently. A friend of a friend - let's call this friend Chuck - shared his experience being sexually abused. I am amazed at his attitude toward his abuser. He's forgiven the offender and says he bears no ill-will to this person; he carries no malice in his heart. OH! I am having a hard time reaching this point. No, I don't wish that my abuser would get hit by a semi-truck or anything crazy like that, but part of me really wants him to not be happy. Part of me really wants him to not know the love of a child, the love of a spouse, the feelings of success. And another part of me says I should let these feelings go because they are wasted energy. Part of me thinks that I should just forget that this person even exists, which, if you know my whole story, is pretty impossible.
I talk to Paul about this every once in a while, but it doesn't really help. Paul has harsher feelings toward this individual than I do, sometimes. When I bring up this topic, Paul reminds me that in some cultures this individual would be stoned to death, or physically punished in some other undesirable way. He reminds me of the passages in the Gospels: it is better to have a millstone tied around his neck and be thrown into the sea, than to cause one of these little ones to sin (paraphrase). Paul seems to bring up the vengeful God, and I tend to remember the merciful, gracious God who is faithful and just and forgives us our sins and cleanses us from all unrighteousness. And last I spoke to my offender, he felt like he had found this forgiveness in God.
I feel like I have forgiven this guy... and then sometimes I feel like I haven't. I'm not depressed like I used to be. I don't feel like this whole crappy situation is my fault. I'm not angry at God for allowing me to be hurt so deeply. But I think I'm still angry at the guy who hurt me. And if I truly had forgiven him, then would I still be this angry??? And I KNOW I'm still angry at my parents (And I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW that this is misplaced, but I still feel so betrayed and tossed aside - not because I was abused, but because of the way they reacted and the way I've been treated since standing up for myself and not being around my abuser... if that makes any sense). I feel like I still need to work on forgiving my parents - forgiving them for not taking action when I first told them about the abuse, and forgive them for the action they took when the family blew up over this last year or two.
I welcome thoughts about letting go of anger, moving on. Thoughts about how do you know if you've really forgiven someone. Can we forgive people and still wish that they don't know the love of a child, the joy of a happy family, etc. Thanks. :)
I've thought about maybe posting some of those writings. Mostly they are about my experiences sharing my story with different people in my life. Maybe if I do post any of them, I'll change some names for privacy's sake. It might just make things a little smoother.
Anyway, reading those old journal entries got me to thinking about forgiveness and letting go of hatred and all of that. I come back to these topics CONSTANTLY, so I suppose it's something I need to tackle more diligently. A friend of a friend - let's call this friend Chuck - shared his experience being sexually abused. I am amazed at his attitude toward his abuser. He's forgiven the offender and says he bears no ill-will to this person; he carries no malice in his heart. OH! I am having a hard time reaching this point. No, I don't wish that my abuser would get hit by a semi-truck or anything crazy like that, but part of me really wants him to not be happy. Part of me really wants him to not know the love of a child, the love of a spouse, the feelings of success. And another part of me says I should let these feelings go because they are wasted energy. Part of me thinks that I should just forget that this person even exists, which, if you know my whole story, is pretty impossible.
I talk to Paul about this every once in a while, but it doesn't really help. Paul has harsher feelings toward this individual than I do, sometimes. When I bring up this topic, Paul reminds me that in some cultures this individual would be stoned to death, or physically punished in some other undesirable way. He reminds me of the passages in the Gospels: it is better to have a millstone tied around his neck and be thrown into the sea, than to cause one of these little ones to sin (paraphrase). Paul seems to bring up the vengeful God, and I tend to remember the merciful, gracious God who is faithful and just and forgives us our sins and cleanses us from all unrighteousness. And last I spoke to my offender, he felt like he had found this forgiveness in God.
I feel like I have forgiven this guy... and then sometimes I feel like I haven't. I'm not depressed like I used to be. I don't feel like this whole crappy situation is my fault. I'm not angry at God for allowing me to be hurt so deeply. But I think I'm still angry at the guy who hurt me. And if I truly had forgiven him, then would I still be this angry??? And I KNOW I'm still angry at my parents (And I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW that this is misplaced, but I still feel so betrayed and tossed aside - not because I was abused, but because of the way they reacted and the way I've been treated since standing up for myself and not being around my abuser... if that makes any sense). I feel like I still need to work on forgiving my parents - forgiving them for not taking action when I first told them about the abuse, and forgive them for the action they took when the family blew up over this last year or two.
I welcome thoughts about letting go of anger, moving on. Thoughts about how do you know if you've really forgiven someone. Can we forgive people and still wish that they don't know the love of a child, the joy of a happy family, etc. Thanks. :)
Friday, January 21, 2011
Exhaustion!
This has been an amazingly draining week. Christina had a high fever Saturday evening, which eventually went away (for good) late Wednesday/early Thursday. She still has a stuffy/runny nose and a cough. She enjoyed her sickness so much she shared it with her teething sister and her busy parents. :( I used to think that taking care of a sick child was hard. But it's nothing compared to taking care of a sick child, a sick/teething child, a sick husband, and a sick self while at the same time trying to cope with rheumatoid arthritis. It's been frustrating; I feel like I'm being put to the test. Just how much can Chrystal endure before she snaps? But in a way, it feels good, too. Paul & I are very much looking forward to the possibilities of 2011, and are striving to be open to God's direction. I have been praying for God to open my eyes and give me peace about a few different possibilities. Sort of asking him if I measure up; to show me if I really do have what it takes. This week has certainly done a fair amount of measuring! Paul helped me a couple nights, but for the most part I feel like I did it on my own, and I did a pretty good job. I kept on top of the laundry, did a few grocery trips, took care of a few errands for Paul, fixed healthy food for myself and my family ...
It feels like God is showing me "You can do this. It will be tough at times, and there will be stress, but through my strength in you, we'll tackle this together."
I'm feeling very peaceful right now. Despite the boogery noses, dry coughs, and slobbery chins. :)
It feels like God is showing me "You can do this. It will be tough at times, and there will be stress, but through my strength in you, we'll tackle this together."
I'm feeling very peaceful right now. Despite the boogery noses, dry coughs, and slobbery chins. :)
Friday, January 14, 2011
Trust
I freely admit I have trust issues. I have for a really long time; pretty much as far back as I remember. Anytime someone would show me any form of kindness, I would wonder what their motive was. I think it's really held me back from making a lot of close friends in high school/college, but it has also strengthened the few friendships I did pursue. Quality vs. quantity, I guess. I find that I have a difficult time opening up to new people, sharing my ideas about life, religion, family, etc., but I'm getting a little bit better at it, year by year.
Lately I've been pondering the issue of gaining/losing/regaining trust. At what point is it worthwhile to try allowing someone who has hurt you back into your life? How do you judge whether or not the risk of being hurt/betrayed again is worth the possible benefit of being close to that person again? I have an especially difficult time with this since I am very aware that whoever is in MY life is also in my KIDS' lives. As a mama, I think it's my responsibility to protect my kids as much as I can. I know they'll get boo-boos and one of these days, I swear, fearless Christina will break a bone or knock out a tooth or something, and eventually, some bratty boy will break my girls' hearts - but they're quite the lookers, so I'm sure they'll break a few hearts of their own!
But I ramble. I know I can't protect them from absolutely everything, but I think it is still my responsibility to protect them as much as I can. Whether it was intentional or not, I feel betrayed by my family's response to me not associating with the person who abused me as a child. I just can't get beyond how much it hurt to see my mom be okay being around that person after I told her (when I was 16) what he did to me. And then about 8 years later, after she found out that I wasn't his only victim, she had a huge issue with him for about 2 months, and then seemed to just magically have gotten over it. It's confusing. My counselor said I should try to talk with her about this. "Talking" seemed too difficult, so we "facebook-ed" about it. I'm not sure that she was really ready to have that type of a discussion; I don't know if she ever would be. It's a crappy situation for everyone involved, really. And I try to be understanding of that, but at the same time, I think it's very important that I stand up for myself, my husband, and my kids. My pastor has told me that I'm still trying to do God's job; that I'm still striving to fix my family and find answers to these questions that maybe I'm not really ready to have answered yet (does that sentence make sense? I'm writing this after about 4 hours of sleep - my mind is a bit muddled).
I know I can't wave a magic wand and fix this issue; I don't want to put a coat of glossy paint over everything and just pretend that it's all better - that took me nowhere but to Depression Town for a long time, and I don't really want to live or vacation there anymore. It's a pretty dreary place - dark skies and rainclouds all the time. Blah. But at the same time I do miss my family - especially around the holidays; that was a really hard week. I think I'd rather have the hard weeks and feel like I'm standing up for myself and my kids than to have the family-time and feel like I'm rolling over on my principles, or putting my - quite valid, I might add - feelings to the wayside and letting myself slip back to the "I don't like this Chrystal, she has no spine" attitude I had for several years.
A close friend told me yesterday that she has seen me grow over the last few years and I'm a stronger, happier person now. My relationship with Paul is so much healthier than it used to be. We had some really tough first years - YEARS, forget the whole "the first year is the toughest" advice I received from so many people - but we've been working on our relationship and working on ourselves, and I can honestly say we're both in a really good place right now, spiritually/emotionally.
Bah. I still have many unanswered/unresolved questions/issues, and I'm learning to wait on the Lord to help me make sense of all this. "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord" runs through my head A LOT.
Gar. This started out about trust and kinda meandered all around the countryside. It's relieving to express all of this, though. Hopefully today will be a bit of a better day.
Lately I've been pondering the issue of gaining/losing/regaining trust. At what point is it worthwhile to try allowing someone who has hurt you back into your life? How do you judge whether or not the risk of being hurt/betrayed again is worth the possible benefit of being close to that person again? I have an especially difficult time with this since I am very aware that whoever is in MY life is also in my KIDS' lives. As a mama, I think it's my responsibility to protect my kids as much as I can. I know they'll get boo-boos and one of these days, I swear, fearless Christina will break a bone or knock out a tooth or something, and eventually, some bratty boy will break my girls' hearts - but they're quite the lookers, so I'm sure they'll break a few hearts of their own!
But I ramble. I know I can't protect them from absolutely everything, but I think it is still my responsibility to protect them as much as I can. Whether it was intentional or not, I feel betrayed by my family's response to me not associating with the person who abused me as a child. I just can't get beyond how much it hurt to see my mom be okay being around that person after I told her (when I was 16) what he did to me. And then about 8 years later, after she found out that I wasn't his only victim, she had a huge issue with him for about 2 months, and then seemed to just magically have gotten over it. It's confusing. My counselor said I should try to talk with her about this. "Talking" seemed too difficult, so we "facebook-ed" about it. I'm not sure that she was really ready to have that type of a discussion; I don't know if she ever would be. It's a crappy situation for everyone involved, really. And I try to be understanding of that, but at the same time, I think it's very important that I stand up for myself, my husband, and my kids. My pastor has told me that I'm still trying to do God's job; that I'm still striving to fix my family and find answers to these questions that maybe I'm not really ready to have answered yet (does that sentence make sense? I'm writing this after about 4 hours of sleep - my mind is a bit muddled).
I know I can't wave a magic wand and fix this issue; I don't want to put a coat of glossy paint over everything and just pretend that it's all better - that took me nowhere but to Depression Town for a long time, and I don't really want to live or vacation there anymore. It's a pretty dreary place - dark skies and rainclouds all the time. Blah. But at the same time I do miss my family - especially around the holidays; that was a really hard week. I think I'd rather have the hard weeks and feel like I'm standing up for myself and my kids than to have the family-time and feel like I'm rolling over on my principles, or putting my - quite valid, I might add - feelings to the wayside and letting myself slip back to the "I don't like this Chrystal, she has no spine" attitude I had for several years.
A close friend told me yesterday that she has seen me grow over the last few years and I'm a stronger, happier person now. My relationship with Paul is so much healthier than it used to be. We had some really tough first years - YEARS, forget the whole "the first year is the toughest" advice I received from so many people - but we've been working on our relationship and working on ourselves, and I can honestly say we're both in a really good place right now, spiritually/emotionally.
Bah. I still have many unanswered/unresolved questions/issues, and I'm learning to wait on the Lord to help me make sense of all this. "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord" runs through my head A LOT.
Gar. This started out about trust and kinda meandered all around the countryside. It's relieving to express all of this, though. Hopefully today will be a bit of a better day.
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